I dreamed a dream...

Many of my friends and family members have recently announced their upcoming arrivals which has made me pretty nostalgic, and has made my mommy clock tick a little louder. I think of those sweet feelings of the baby moving around in my tummy, watching him grow on the ultrasound, imagining what he will be when he is older, and the way his head fit perfectly under my chin when we were napping. Those beautiful memories somehow overcome any of the adversities that come with a newborn, so instead of planning a trip to the doc to see if we can have another little bundle within any time period soon, I will remember the more difficult parts to hold off that baby itch for a while.

One such memory is the hallucinations that come along with sleep deprivation. There was one specific morning that I can clearly remember as being the most difficult R and I had shared together. After finally getting him to sleep I woke up in horror to the sound of a baby screaming. I remember flying out of my bed, tripping over the dog, and running into the nursery to find him sleeping soundly in his crib. Seeing his peaceful face brought me to the realization that I could now relate more closely with the psychiatric patients I was at the time working with. I had experienced my first (and only) auditory hallucination. I was so exhausted that my brain must had slipped into this strange universe and decided that if I wasn't going to actually be awake with a upset infant, I should be dreaming about one. I slowly and quietly made it back to my bed, but I didn't go back to sleep. I remember lying there, terrified he would wake up, terrified I was going crazy, and counting the minutes until A got home from work so I could have some adult interaction.

And yet, I'd do it again. Not now, I am enjoying having my little boy all on his own and even a year later I am still trying to catch up on sleep, but...someday...because those smiles make every auditory hallucination enhanced morning worth it.